Getting started

Hmm...this is my first experience with trying to blog, but I have kept a journal before. I'm not regular about writing, and I have 3 little ones who keep me on my toes, so I don't always have time. I guess they're really not that little anymore (the oldest is 14 going on 35), but I'll always see them that way. Anyway, I'm trying to get this started as a way of healing...no...not healing...learning...that's better. I'm not broken, not sick, not aged, not anything that I can express in simple terms...I just have hurt...hurt that I'm trying to learn how to cope with and maybe lessen...maybe even repair. You see I don't like myself...in fact my therapist says I have a great deal of 'self-loathing' to deal with. I don't blame myself for the rain or anything like that, but when I make a mistake, well, I just don't cope well. I can't make mistakes...if I screw up and miss one of the kids' appointments, that turns into 'I'm a really bad Mom.' If I screw up at work then I'm a lousy analyst. See? No mistakes allowed. I'm not sure if this is normal even...it seems like it's been that way my whole life...and I screw up plenty...I've made some doozies...first husband being perfect evidence.

I don't know why I can't cut myself some slack. Everyone screws up now and again. So here I am in a world I'm unprepared to cope with...and not very computer savvy at that...trying to learn to like myself...I would say 'like myself again' but I'm not certain I ever did...

This is where I plan to let it all out...and hope that no one besides myself ever reads this...