My baby girl

I remember the day she was born, how surprised I was by how heavy she was (8lbs 14oz, the Dr. told me she'd be about 7lbs). I was conscious when she was born, which was a nice change from the knocked-out-C-section I'd had with my first. It was a magical moment for both hubby and me...we were both crying from joy. He was making bets with the nurses on the minute that she would be born on...he won of course...bragging rights only, no money changed hands. (Darn it, we could have used it back then.)

When she was 4 hubby gave her a short haircut for summertime...it was so cute. I remember how I thought she had the cutest little knees. Everything she did those days was cute. She was even cute in her little cast from the day she was playing on the stairs at the babysitters house and fell down a couple of them and broke her arm. (Of course that was the day before we were to drive to visit the inlaws...and she had a bright blue cast on her arm.)

She's really not a baby anymore...it's hard to believe it's been over 11 yrs. She started middle school this year, and it is really starting to show...that she's not a baby anymore, that is. A couple of days ago, I had to break her little heart, and I felt really bad about it. But it had to be done. A boy in her class had asked her to the Valentine dance at school. I had to tell her that she's too young to date. I don't mind taking her to a dance and picking her up after...the van seats 7; I'll take her and all her friends if she wants...but I can't let a boy come pick her up (his Mom or Dad driving of course...he's only 11 or 12 himself), take her to a dance, and bring her home after...that just sounds too much like a date...She's only 11...

When she gets into high school, then we can talk about the rules for dating, but for now...well, I think I'll try to keep her from growing up too quickly...like her mother did.

Dear Mom,

I love you. I'm very proud of you. You fought hard, and you kicked cancer's butt. You overcame your fear of doctors, hospitals, needles, and surgery; and you're getting your knees fixed so you can walk again. You have an amazing amount of will and perseverance, and I admire that in you.

All of that said, and said with the utmost sincerity, I have to tell you Mom, I'm so angry with you. And more than that, I'm so tired of being angry with you. I called to tell you that I'm going to Iraq, and you railed about the president. Mom, this isn't about you and it isn't about the president. I didn't decide to take an assignment to Iraq to piss you off or make you worry. It's my job, Mom. It's what I do. I'm a military officer, and that means frequent sacrifices, sacrifices of my time, my energies, my priorities...it's a job that has to be done...and I do it well, whether or not you'll ever tell me that.

I need you to be proud of me. When I went to the desert a year and a half ago, I called you to see how you were doing and make sure the cancer hadn't come back. I took one of my 2 15-minute calls, to call you because I care. Mom, you didn't so much as send me a Christmas card. I got one email from you...it was a picture of a person I don't remember who apparently went to church with us for a while and was about the same age as me. He was dressed in Afghan garb and toting a rifle in Afghanistan, special forces or something like that in the Army. Are you proud of him, Mom? Was his sacrifice more than mine because he was in Afghanistan, but I was safe 'behind the wire'? The only time in my life I ever remember you saying you were proud of me was when I got my commission. Now, you are angry because it means I have to go places that aren't necessarily safe. Did you not realize how important letters from home are? How I longed to have something in that mail call that was for me? My sister sent a Christmas card and a present...I treasure it still. My sister in law sent a Christmas present...she's in grad school, and so is her husband. Dad's office sent me a card. Did you forget I was there? I'm so afraid that I'll be in Iraq for a year and not hear from you the whole time...I'll get back and you'll pretend I wasn't gone.

You didn't know I was coming until 6 or 7 minutes before I was born. You were shocked of course, but you also weren't happy. I was the one you weren't expecting, the one you didn't want. I can't remember, can't count, the number of times you told us you hated us. A and I pretended not to be affected by it, but of course we were...C, well, she just took it every time as her fault...she must not be helping enough, or she must not be achieving enough...how hard she worked to gain your approval, but none of us ever got it...not until we got married. Now, we still don't have your approval...but our husbands do. When hubby and I were having troubles and I told you I thought it was over, your reaction stung. "You can't leave him, we love him." At that moment, I wanted to leave just because you didn't want me to.

"I hate you G.. D... kids!"

Those words ring in my brain every day...How many times did you say them, Mom? 100? 1000? I swore I would never say those words to my children...and I haven't. Hate...it's such a big word...no, it's an arrow...or maybe a bullet...

I learned early...learned to be invisible. But it hurt being invisible. I wasn't just invisible at home...I was invisible at school too...except my grades...but that 96 wasn't even good enough. "Where did the other 4 points go?" I think now, in retrospect, that you both were joking, but how it hurt at the time! I didn't cry though...you hated it when I cried...I acquired the 'cry baby' moniker by the time I was 8...I couldn't live it down...

You were so ashamed when I was 17 and got pregnant. Even then it was all about you. You wanted me to have an abortion, even though you didn't even believe in it. It was all about you and how you would look. Well, Mom, you never talked to me about sex...unless it was yelling and admonishing me not to...you didn't even tell me about my period...if it hadn't been for C, I don't know what I would have thought when it started...I couldn't talk to you...I couldn't protect myself. I couldn't even tell you that we used a condom...even though it was true, it wouldn't have mattered; the damage was done.

I ruined your plans...I didn't go to college...not until much later...and I funded it myself then. I moved away...we all did...we can't live near you, or you would try to order our lives...you even try to tell me how to raise my kids...but Mom, I don't want them to hurt the way I did.

I know it must have been hard for you growing up with a mother who told you that you were fat and would never get a husband...I can't even imagine how it must have overwhelmed you to have a baby, not quite 3 years old yet, and then bring home twins you only expected one of...I know some of it is not your fault...I forgive you...even though you never asked me to...I love you Mom. I'll always love you. It's not something you'll ever have to earn or ask for. You're my mother...

Resolutions Update

I had intended to posts some updates to previous posts (part of that whole New Year's resolutions thing) on the first of each month, but this month the snow (OMG! snow in SC! (it still blows my mind)) took precedence.

I'll start with the troubled family down the street (see here and here for the beginning of this story)...Well, they were served with an "Order to Vacate" about 2 weeks ago. They had 10 days to get out...they were being evicted. I don't know who served the order, if it was the mortgage company, the rental agency, or the home-owners association. I don't even know if they own the house or rent it. I do know that they had 10 days, which have passed, and they are still there. The sherriff's department tells us that DSS is involved, but this is the same DSS that got reports of a woman on the other side of town who was pimping out her daughters (12 and 14) to support her drug habit...and they did nothing in that case for 3 years. So maybe these kids will be taken care of...maybe they won't...

As far as my New Year's Resolutions:

1) Jan 1 weight: 167
Jan 31 weight: 162
I'm ok with this...that's a little less than I was expecting, but I'm not discouraged...that only leaves 20 lbs to go.

2) It's been too cold (mid-20s to 30s) at night for walks, but I hope we'll resume them when the weather improves. I have no idea how many steps I'm taking though...my battery died in my pedometer.

3) I have cut the caffiene to 1 coffee and 1 or 2 sodas per day...getting there on the other...I'm at about 3 non-caffeine drinks per day.

4) No change...

5) This is on track...we've been spending time together and talking...and I notice the kids are getting along better too...bonus!

6) I have to admit, I've failed at this one so far...I was doing really well for about 3 weeks...now it's in the tank...I'll keep plugging at it...maybe if I get better at this one the weight-loss one will get a little easier...

Snow!

Ok...it's not the first time I've ever seen snow, nor is it even the first time this year that I've seen snow...but really now, this is South Carolina for goodness sake. Even a little ice in the forecast sets schools back 2 hours here. I'm absolutely amazed that they didn't close schools all together when the snow started. But I'm glad they didn't.

Hubby had a big exam today (probably won't happen until next week now, but he had to try to get there). So I had to stay home this morning (I'm grateful that I have a boss that doesn't mind that necessity) to see Little Man to the bus stop. I came downstairs at around 8:30, knowing that he didn't have to be at the bus stop until 9:10. I thought he would want to stay home where it was warm for just as long as he could. I guess I forgot what it's like to be 7.

He was watching Spongebob when I came down, but he got up immediately when he saw me to ask, "Mommy, when we get to the bus stop can I play in the snow?"

Of course, I laughed and said sure he could play in the snow. As a matter of fact, just let me pour my coffee and we'll head out there early.

So we're out the door, down the street to the bus stop. He almost waited for the car to come to a complete stop before unbuckling and reaching for the door handle. I (staid and boring adult that I am) stayed in the car and watched. Ok, call me mushy mom if you want, but I got all misty watching him have so much fun. (At this point I was afraid that adding an adult to the mix might spoil things for them, but I made sure to watch for anything dangerous like playing in the street.) I was laughing and teary all at the same time. He came over to the car once and asked if I had seen him. I said I saw him and that big three-tiered snowball he'd made. He said he was gonna get that kid who hit him in the back with one. I said, "Go get him Little Man." They were having so much fun...all the kids, K-5 grade, laughing and chasing each other with snowballs...and not a mean or bullying look to be seen. I guess some things transcend even the nastiest of history between two elementary school kids.

What a great way to spend a half hour...just watching your kid have fun. As he was getting on the bus, my Little Man looked over to the car to see that I was watching, and he smiled and waved. I waved back. Cold weather, but warm hearts.