On marriage...

My husband and I are in therapy...marriage therapy...it doesn't embarass me in any way; in fact, I'm proud that we are...at least we didn't just quit. It had come to a point early this year that I was ready to walk out. He simply would not listen to me when I told him that I was unhappy with our marriage. It really all boils down to respect. You see I'm the primary bread-winner in our home, which has at times been difficult for him. I understand that...our culture does not easily accept a man as primary caregiver...and without income. But, in our home, that is the way it has to be...I don't just have a job...I have a career. He has about 15 credit hrs of college. I can retire in about 8 years, and we will receive my retirement check every month after that...forever. Money isn't everything, but it sure is hard to make the mortgage without it.

But he was working in the fast food industry (management...but still the pay isn't that great)...then he got laid off. Things went downhill from there until I got my commission. (Now, he can stay home with the kids because we can afford it. And I've finally convinced him that it's ok for him to go back to school...we have the resources now.)

Anyway, I was working full time; he was working full time; and we were raising 3 kids. The stress was enormous, and our family hardly ever spent any time together. It ended up that I was doing all the housework except the yard. (He knows that if it is my responsibility to get the lawn mowed, the neighbor's teenager is going to make about $25.) I was resentful because I would ask him to pitch in, but he refused. He thought that his job (on his feet) was so much more taxing than mine (desk job) that he shouldn't have to contribute to the housework...and that view didn't change much after he got laid off. (I firmly believe that was due more to depression than anything else, but that wasn't how I felt at the time.) I felt like he thought that what I was doing wasn't valuable, and that I was overpaid (because he resented that I made more money than him). But I couldn't make him listen...until I decided to leave...

It was one of the most painful decisions of my life...so I agreed to try therapy with him. And glad that I did...we are so much healthier now. Our marriage isn't perfect, and I'm still angry (wish I could shut that off)...I'm angry that it took me leaving to get him to 'give a damn'...but at least now, he does give a damn. He's been treated for his depression, and he's started back to school...and doing quite well at that. I like our marriage now...I like our relationship...and I like our family...but I'm still afraid...afraid it will go back to the way it was...afraid that if it does I won't have the courage to stop it...afraid that if I try but fail, I may live the rest of my life alone...I hate being afraid...