Hurry up and Wait

It's been that kind of week. Seems like all the careful arrangements I have made to make work run smoothly over the last couple months have come to naught. Last minute changes/crises/issues...whatever...have forced me away from careful planning and smooth transition into the unenviable state of 'hurry-up-and-wait'. I'm a little frustrated with work right now, and that is just how it is. No one really wants to help me out, concerned only with their little piece of the project. While I understand that when you only have one piece that is all you focus on, I have to arrange the entire project...make sure it happens and happens in a timely manner...I could liken it to producing a play in which each actor forgets that they are not the only actor involved...well, enough bitching from me...just get the job done and hope there are no more 'issues' that have to be resolved before the curtain goes up.

Not so much...

You Are 32% Lady

You tend to make up your rules of etiquette, throwing all conventions aside.And while you try to be a lady (sometimes), your behavior is often quite shocking.

href="Are'>http://www.blogthings.com/areyoualadyquiz/">Are You A Lady?

Height

I just realized that in stats I didn't list my height. I'm 5' 5.5''. I know it's silly, I focus on that half inch...but it makes me happy; I'm closer to 5' 6'' than 5' 5''.

Lurking along with Nikki's Operation: Lose that Ass

While I still hope no one ever reads this but me, I am nonetheless playing along with Operation: Lose that Ass. I'm about a week behind, and I'm not playing along with the competition because I don't want anyone to link to me, but I'm watching and starting my own program to get back into my size 10s and maybe even the 8s I used to wear. I miss my old Rockies.

So starting with stats:
Age: 33
Weight: 162.5
Body fat %: 31
Waist messurement: 34 1/2
Pants size: loose 12

I broke down this morning and had breakfast with the hubby...CiniMinis at the BK. Bad idea! I just looked at BK's website and those things have over 500 calories with the icing...and I started so well, with a banana and some Yoplait fat-free yogurt. Ok, so soup for lunch for me and spaghetti on tap for dinner...I should still be able to keep today relatively under control. That means no Reese's Pieces though...not that I should be eating those anyway.

I did a step aerobics video on Sunday and decided that while it's a good 'time-crunch' workout, it really isn't long enough for me. I like a good 45 minutes to an hour workout, and this thing was only 30 minutes including the warmup. I think I'll keep doing it for days that I just don't have much time or feel like working out on a day that I've already done PT, but I'm searching for something more my speed. In the mean time, I guess I'll just do the chapters of this one multiple times.

Tonight is family game night, so not likely to get a workout in, but I'll try.

I live for Fridays...

Friday night is date night...the kids are home to play video games or read or do homework or whatever, as long as they don't burn the house down. We get to go out and act like adults. We take dance lessons every Friday evening, then we stay and dance and have a couple drinks and enjoy the company of other adults for a few hours. I don't know what I would do without date night...probably loose what's left of my mind.

I'm unhappy...not now...just in a general sense. It may be because I am unhappy with myself and some of the decisions I've made, or it may be that I am unhappy with my circumstances. Fridays I'm not unhappy...I enjoy being alive...I don't know what I would do without Friday.

On weight gain...

Ok...so I've gained a few pounds...actually, I've gained about 15 pounds in the last 6 or 8 months. I think this is likely related to my over-abundant consumption of alcohol...not that I'm a drunk...far from it...I just have started having 1 to 3 a night, most nights...I can stop, and I don't drink every night...I don't drink and drive...I just have a glass or two of wine with dinner...which adds up to about 400 calories I wasn't consuming before...and because I haven't made up for this increase with a decrease somewhere else, I have gained 15 pounds...so here it is...wine 2 nights a week...that is all I will allow myself...Friday nights (because that's date night) and one other night...2 glasses tops. We'll see if that doesn't change things in the waistline.

I'm no exercise fanatic...in fact, I have a terrible attitude toward PT...the funny thing is that once I get started, I really like working out...it's just the 'getting started' part I'm having trouble with. I work out 3 times a week for about 45 minutes...this by force (military woman)...usually our PT consists of running and some calisthenics. It is heavier on the running part, but that's a good thing since running is aerobic and resistance training. I also go dancing (and really I mean dancing, not sitting, drinking, and waiting for a song or two) almost every Friday. So the way I figure it, I'm getting about 3 hours of workout time per week. I'd like to work that number up to 7, but I'm realistic enough to know that that will take time. Small steps to a healthier, thinner me.

It's really not even the weight thing...after I turned 30, I put on 5 pounds and didn't even consider it a bad thing...it's just that now, after having been a size 10 for 15 years or more (interrupted by short training periods when my weight and size plummetted) my jeans that I've had for 5 or 6 years...well, they no longer fit...I had to buy a pair of jeans in a 12...they're really loose and threatening to fall off, but the 10s are just too tight and uncomfortable...

I need to not hate myself for gaining the weight...I need to recognize a problem, devise a solution, and work to put it into practice...I think I'll log that just to see how I'm doing at the 'put it into practice part'...

Getting started

Hmm...this is my first experience with trying to blog, but I have kept a journal before. I'm not regular about writing, and I have 3 little ones who keep me on my toes, so I don't always have time. I guess they're really not that little anymore (the oldest is 14 going on 35), but I'll always see them that way. Anyway, I'm trying to get this started as a way of healing...no...not healing...learning...that's better. I'm not broken, not sick, not aged, not anything that I can express in simple terms...I just have hurt...hurt that I'm trying to learn how to cope with and maybe lessen...maybe even repair. You see I don't like myself...in fact my therapist says I have a great deal of 'self-loathing' to deal with. I don't blame myself for the rain or anything like that, but when I make a mistake, well, I just don't cope well. I can't make mistakes...if I screw up and miss one of the kids' appointments, that turns into 'I'm a really bad Mom.' If I screw up at work then I'm a lousy analyst. See? No mistakes allowed. I'm not sure if this is normal even...it seems like it's been that way my whole life...and I screw up plenty...I've made some doozies...first husband being perfect evidence.

I don't know why I can't cut myself some slack. Everyone screws up now and again. So here I am in a world I'm unprepared to cope with...and not very computer savvy at that...trying to learn to like myself...I would say 'like myself again' but I'm not certain I ever did...

This is where I plan to let it all out...and hope that no one besides myself ever reads this...